I Survive by the Ghost of You

Grief is one of those unexplainable emotions. It has depicted on screen, written about in countless self help books, and the whole practice of Psychology and Psychiatry are based upon it. The terrible thing, the part that I never hear discussed is the up and down roller coaster of emotion it puts one through. On any given day, dealing with grief you can feel numb, devistated, angry, depressed, an empty happiness, or simply nothing. And despite anyone telling you that there are set stages of grief, the truth is they come at random and at times together. Anger and sadness often get grouped, numbness and an empty happiness, or any number of combinations. Sadness or depression alone is not enough to bring me to my knees, but this constant pain and emptiness in my heart is. I don't often talk about myself on this blog because to my readers, it isn't about me. I write to normalize what you might feel or to awaken something that you didn't know was inside you or at least to give you a different outlook on life. None the less, I find myself having to write something here. I recently lost someone, and although I should feel anger or betrayal towards this person. I ultimetly just feel sick, sad, lonely, and empty. I feel like this pain is never going to go away and that I will forever walk the earth feeling like this. And I keep hearing from everyone that it will go away and I keep making excuses as to why this person being out of my life is good. But the truth is, it's not going away and I don't feel good. I don't feel one ounce of good in my life. At all. I have heard all of the rationalities and the common sense arguements, but I can't stop it. I find myself, hanging on any way possible. I look over next to me at emptiness and just imagine them there. I have conversations in my head with them that never go anywhere and only loosely predict their thoughts or feelings. I imagine waking up and seeing them and smiling like I used to, only to snap out of it and see that nothing is really there and the conversation I dream of will never occur. I don't know why we were built this way, this grand design by God to put us through this. And it's hard to find a reason or any sense to it all. And of course, I look to the future and wonder if I could ever go through this again. I wonder if it is worth it all. Is all the happiness I felt worth this pain...and my only conclusion is that if it wasn't, I wouldn't be feeling this at all. But I still wonder if I'll ever be able to let myself go enough to be capable of feeling this way again. So far, the answer is no. And no matter what sensible, reasonable arguements I put forth, the answer will always be no. This can never happen again.