I don't what it's been, but lately I haven't had the same creative feeling that usually associates with these entries. So I apologize in advance, my faithful readers for this sub-par writing
I've discussed my love of music in this blog before. And then I couldn't get the right words for it. So I went to the music store, Exclusive Company, the only real music store left these days. And I picked up "The Replacements: All for Nothing, Nothing for All". Filled with this album are stories of various people's love of the band and there varrying reasons for it. And I began to think of the first time I saw certain bands live and the first time I listened to them. And however long this may turn out, I thought I might go through my favorite bands and discuss them.
Wilco:
I first listened to Wilco on a bus, my friend Jeff gave me his walkman and told me to listen to this band. They were rooted in country, but they'd blow my mind. Boy, was he right. From note one, I was emanormed with this band. The album was "Summerteeth" and every song seemed to have the difinitve purpose of changing my life. When I saw them live, I was fully in obsession. It was right before I was to go to college, and it was the hottest day of the year. The place wasn't air conditioned to any degree. Not so much as a fan was on. So as soon as you entered the place it was hot. Now imagine 2,000 more people in a small place. But I stood there, for almost 4 hours just listening to this band that had so much effected me.
Radiohead:
This is my favorite band, and there's a reason for it. The first I ever heard of Radiohead was "idioteque", and I found myself bopping my head and thinking "wow, how can something this fun and danceable have such great lyrics and have such an eery-ness about it?" It threw me for such a loop. And my friend told me to buy "OK Computer". I agreed and took it immediately home and played it alone in my room. It was a rare event that I could be alone in my room for a full hour without being bothered, but it happened. I remember being on the computer and just stopping what I was doing, and just sat there listening. It was this amazing feeling, listening to this album. I knew my life would never be the same after that. It's strange how music can do that, just throw your world upside-down. For those of you who haven't experienced it, you have no clue what the hell I'm talking about. For those of you who have, you have a slight smirk on your face, that says "yeah, I remember that". It was one of those albums that just does that. You throw out all your other musical tastes, that band that you can't live without suddenly seems like old news. You want more of this...it becomes a drug. A high you chase but never get again. And that's what I do, everyday is chase after that feeling. Looking always for a band that will just knock me on my ass. This month it's Teddy Geiger, but he's not it. The kid's got talent but he's not at that stage to make me feel something beyond me. The first time I saw Radiohead live, well, I'm not sure I could ever do it justice. But I will say that I felt like I was part of something that was going to change the face of the world, but it didn't....it just changed me. I will NEVER EVER forget the feeling after that show. The feeling of elation and wanting to dance through the streets of Chicago (which I actually did), waiting for our train to come and just talking to all the other people who just saw what I did. Like we witnessed the atom bomb, we just felt like it was so important.
Pearl Jam:
Single Video Theory? What's this? I remember asking myself looking through my brothers videos. So I pop it in, and my first favorite band (later to be pushed down to 2 by the previously spoken of Radiohead) had made it's impact. I watched this movie, about how Pearl Jam came to write their "return to glory" album Yield. And watching the way these guys played, and watching Eddie Veddar's singing and his intensity, it shook me to my core. I knew that this band was it, this was the band to take me through the rest of my life, the one to describe my every feeling and be there right along with me, feeling it. You only have to listen to Indifference once, and you'll see ever single thought of my high school life. This feeling of hopelessness, the feeling of being alone. This overwhelming feeling of wanted to do so much, but being able to do so little.
Here's the lyrics: Indifference
I don't know if I truly did myself any good on trying to explain the unexplainable...but I have to try. B/c someone has to know. You know, the funny thing is...I don't think I've told anybody why "Indifference" truly matters...and I won't here. B/c, in a way...you have to earn it.
Next Post: Better writing, less introspection
Monday, January 30, 2006
Friday, January 20, 2006
I am Jack's femine side
"We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is the answer we need" -Tyler Durden
Fight Club, a fairly amazing film about men beating each other up and wanting to be someone you aren't, only to realize it's dire implications. When I first saw this movie on DVD, I rewound that part about 100 times. What he said hit me very hard. In the last post I spoke of the fact that my father wasn't around too much when I was younger. So I, like Tyler and "jack" was without a father for most of my life. I was raised mostly by my mother, and she in turn treated me like a daughter. I baked, and shopped, and became ultra-sensitive. And this is how I entered the post-pubecant world. I hung out with mostly women, relating to them more than men. I only had one best guy friend at a time, with women surrounding my life. I've spent my entire life with women, and because of it I'm a better person. I'm a good boyfriend and friend because I'm more sensetive and a better listener. When I joined the fraternity though, I was very lost. I was confused on how to talk to guys. I remember watching the other guys as a way to find the norm. For a long time, I was very nervous around guys, worried that'd I say something wrong. A conversation with men is much different. It is full of gay jokes, belittling women, and a lot of judgement. It's much more harsh than hanging out with women, but it's real. With women, they're afraid to step on toes and offend, whereas men they're true, they tell you blunty how it is. Yet I find I relax much more with women, I'm more myself...and I like that. So maybe Tyler Durden was wrong about that statement afterall.
Fight Club, a fairly amazing film about men beating each other up and wanting to be someone you aren't, only to realize it's dire implications. When I first saw this movie on DVD, I rewound that part about 100 times. What he said hit me very hard. In the last post I spoke of the fact that my father wasn't around too much when I was younger. So I, like Tyler and "jack" was without a father for most of my life. I was raised mostly by my mother, and she in turn treated me like a daughter. I baked, and shopped, and became ultra-sensitive. And this is how I entered the post-pubecant world. I hung out with mostly women, relating to them more than men. I only had one best guy friend at a time, with women surrounding my life. I've spent my entire life with women, and because of it I'm a better person. I'm a good boyfriend and friend because I'm more sensetive and a better listener. When I joined the fraternity though, I was very lost. I was confused on how to talk to guys. I remember watching the other guys as a way to find the norm. For a long time, I was very nervous around guys, worried that'd I say something wrong. A conversation with men is much different. It is full of gay jokes, belittling women, and a lot of judgement. It's much more harsh than hanging out with women, but it's real. With women, they're afraid to step on toes and offend, whereas men they're true, they tell you blunty how it is. Yet I find I relax much more with women, I'm more myself...and I like that. So maybe Tyler Durden was wrong about that statement afterall.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Back in 'Nam
"Fathers are weird creatures you know" -Dawson's Creek
Now i know what your thinking...how can this kid be intelligent and still watch that stupid show. Well, I do. It's what they call guilty pleasures. Enjoying something that you know you shouldn't and are ashamed to tell your friends. A lot like Kelly Clarkson's song "Since You've Been Gone". Admit it, you love that song.
But back to the original topic...Fathers. They are weird creatures. You grow up with them as these mystical figures, larger than life. When you're in grade school, they are everything you want to be, even if they aren't all that great. And then those wonderful puberty years start, and you begin to question everything they are. I remember thinking my Dad was this awful person. He never seemed to care for my mother the way I thought he did, and he never seemed to care about me the way other Dads did. And this is partially true of those days. My Dad wasn't exactly "father of the year" for most of my life. But even the things he did well, I questioned. I hated him for not letting me go to McDonalds, or for being hard on me with grades. I used to lie awake at night, concocting ways to "overthrow" him. The truth was, I knew that they cared about me more than I them. I was 12 years old, and when you're 12...parents aren't seen as a neccesity. So I'd have hunger strikes and talk about how I'd kill myself, it'd worry my parents to death and they'd do whatever I wanted. This is what I did. And as horrible as it sounds, it made sense in my head. Parents were the inherent evil, and I was waging war on that evil. As I grew older, I noticed that my Mom had this infinent wisdom that I didn't like admitting to, but needed to learn from. She had none of the opportunities that I was to be given, yet she worked so hard to make my life better. She wasn't bitter, she took her lot in life and did the best she could. My Father, meanwhile, hated the fact that I was so spoiled. When I was about 19 years old, he told me that I needed to grow up. I was shocked by this because I always thought of myself as "mature beyond my years". He then told me that when he was my age, he was in Vietnam. This sent a shockwave of guilt through me that I haven't quite shook. It's not his fault by any means, but it made me think that maybe I did need to grow up. My Dad's youth had been blindsided by this horrible war, that unwillingly took him away from his carefree innocence. War changed him, he was a wreck after the war. He didn't fully recover for a long time. I'm reminded of this scene from a Vietnam movie with Charlie Sheen (anyone know it? I'm lost). Charlie gets to Vietnam and some guys ask him how long he's been there, he says only 2 weeks and the other guys say they've been there for 10 and 11 months. It's this horrible feeling, like he has a life sentence for doing nothing but being 18 years old. For some reason, everytime I see that part, I'm reminded of my Dad and how horrible it must have been to be there. Now as I am very near my 22nd b-day, I suddenly find me and my Dad very similiar. I am starting to become more like him. His charm and personality rub off on me. And I think it's partially him becoming more like me too, as weird as that sounds. In an effort to bond with me, he began to understand me. I'll be the first to admit, we're not your picture perfect son-father duo by any means, but it's really nice to see that we can relate to each other now. It's something that I never thought I'd find, and it's really nice to have.
Next Post: Girls Girls Girls Girls
Now i know what your thinking...how can this kid be intelligent and still watch that stupid show. Well, I do. It's what they call guilty pleasures. Enjoying something that you know you shouldn't and are ashamed to tell your friends. A lot like Kelly Clarkson's song "Since You've Been Gone". Admit it, you love that song.
But back to the original topic...Fathers. They are weird creatures. You grow up with them as these mystical figures, larger than life. When you're in grade school, they are everything you want to be, even if they aren't all that great. And then those wonderful puberty years start, and you begin to question everything they are. I remember thinking my Dad was this awful person. He never seemed to care for my mother the way I thought he did, and he never seemed to care about me the way other Dads did. And this is partially true of those days. My Dad wasn't exactly "father of the year" for most of my life. But even the things he did well, I questioned. I hated him for not letting me go to McDonalds, or for being hard on me with grades. I used to lie awake at night, concocting ways to "overthrow" him. The truth was, I knew that they cared about me more than I them. I was 12 years old, and when you're 12...parents aren't seen as a neccesity. So I'd have hunger strikes and talk about how I'd kill myself, it'd worry my parents to death and they'd do whatever I wanted. This is what I did. And as horrible as it sounds, it made sense in my head. Parents were the inherent evil, and I was waging war on that evil. As I grew older, I noticed that my Mom had this infinent wisdom that I didn't like admitting to, but needed to learn from. She had none of the opportunities that I was to be given, yet she worked so hard to make my life better. She wasn't bitter, she took her lot in life and did the best she could. My Father, meanwhile, hated the fact that I was so spoiled. When I was about 19 years old, he told me that I needed to grow up. I was shocked by this because I always thought of myself as "mature beyond my years". He then told me that when he was my age, he was in Vietnam. This sent a shockwave of guilt through me that I haven't quite shook. It's not his fault by any means, but it made me think that maybe I did need to grow up. My Dad's youth had been blindsided by this horrible war, that unwillingly took him away from his carefree innocence. War changed him, he was a wreck after the war. He didn't fully recover for a long time. I'm reminded of this scene from a Vietnam movie with Charlie Sheen (anyone know it? I'm lost). Charlie gets to Vietnam and some guys ask him how long he's been there, he says only 2 weeks and the other guys say they've been there for 10 and 11 months. It's this horrible feeling, like he has a life sentence for doing nothing but being 18 years old. For some reason, everytime I see that part, I'm reminded of my Dad and how horrible it must have been to be there. Now as I am very near my 22nd b-day, I suddenly find me and my Dad very similiar. I am starting to become more like him. His charm and personality rub off on me. And I think it's partially him becoming more like me too, as weird as that sounds. In an effort to bond with me, he began to understand me. I'll be the first to admit, we're not your picture perfect son-father duo by any means, but it's really nice to see that we can relate to each other now. It's something that I never thought I'd find, and it's really nice to have.
Next Post: Girls Girls Girls Girls
Monday, January 09, 2006
Disjointed mess...and finally Entourage
There are about a million thoughts streeming through my head...and about 8 blog posts within all that. I have two hours to write and so I'll sit down and I'll write, with a various smoke break innertwined. So I apologize in advance, this is going to be very very messy.
Topic 1: Music
It is a very difficult thing to explain my love for music. In fact there is only maybe one person on this earth that has come close to understanding it. It's a very private thing, to be alone with this celestial thing. It's extremely internal, and therfor no one can truly see what it means to me. And the only way I can describe it is, when I'm sitting there listening to music, to make someone a MixCD, it's quite hard to really do. I love this music and it has changed my life. But I don't want to let them listen to it, too soon. They have to go through "the education" first. And even then, it might not be their thing. They may hate it, because it's "too whiny" or makes them "depressed". So I get frustrated because all I was trying to do is show them who I am. That's my best way to describe myself, through music. It seems like a ridiculous notion too. The songs lyrics don't spell out my life, hell sometimes they have nothing to do with it. But it's affected me in a way that it's important. And if you can crack that code, you learn who I am. It's hard though, and few people can do it. They write it off, because after all, music isn't everyone's muse like it is mine. But if you listen to Pearl Jam's Indifference or Radiohead's Exit Music (for a film)...you are that much closer to figuring me out.
Upon thinking of it, I'm almost impossible to figure out. Even for myself, and I take pity on those that try it. I don't think that I should be pegged "mysterious" or anything like that. But I am a man of many masks...and on any given day, I change from one person to the next. I'm a feminine male with masculine interests. I'm super sensitive but hard as a rock. I am exteremely energetic but always tired. Etc etc
Topic 2:
I keep wondering why I care about the world so much. I read the news everyday, watch CNN/Fox news/MSN before I go to bed every night. And all I hear is the same crap. And I don't care anymore. I'm completely emotionless about it. 12 miners dead...who cares. Alito being questioned...hope he dies, if not enjoy judging and such. And I do feel for these people most of the time. But it alls adds up eventually where you become desensitized to it. You can't be shocked anymore. And it really really sucks.
Topic 3:
I kinda promised myself I wold discuss personal matters on this thing. So I'll keep it short. My life is it total meltdown mode. And I'm barely staying afloat. I'm just really really scared. I'm wondering if this is the moment where I dare to be great or I completly fail and become what I hate the most. I guess I'll see.
Topic 4: One last thing
Entourage is my favorite show. Before that was The Simpsons, Seinfeld, MI-5, and now this. And I'm lucky to have found it. The character Erik Murphy is a lot like me. I can completly imagine being more like him as I grow older.
Next Post: Who knows...I have so many more ideas
Topic 1: Music
It is a very difficult thing to explain my love for music. In fact there is only maybe one person on this earth that has come close to understanding it. It's a very private thing, to be alone with this celestial thing. It's extremely internal, and therfor no one can truly see what it means to me. And the only way I can describe it is, when I'm sitting there listening to music, to make someone a MixCD, it's quite hard to really do. I love this music and it has changed my life. But I don't want to let them listen to it, too soon. They have to go through "the education" first. And even then, it might not be their thing. They may hate it, because it's "too whiny" or makes them "depressed". So I get frustrated because all I was trying to do is show them who I am. That's my best way to describe myself, through music. It seems like a ridiculous notion too. The songs lyrics don't spell out my life, hell sometimes they have nothing to do with it. But it's affected me in a way that it's important. And if you can crack that code, you learn who I am. It's hard though, and few people can do it. They write it off, because after all, music isn't everyone's muse like it is mine. But if you listen to Pearl Jam's Indifference or Radiohead's Exit Music (for a film)...you are that much closer to figuring me out.
Upon thinking of it, I'm almost impossible to figure out. Even for myself, and I take pity on those that try it. I don't think that I should be pegged "mysterious" or anything like that. But I am a man of many masks...and on any given day, I change from one person to the next. I'm a feminine male with masculine interests. I'm super sensitive but hard as a rock. I am exteremely energetic but always tired. Etc etc
Topic 2:
I keep wondering why I care about the world so much. I read the news everyday, watch CNN/Fox news/MSN before I go to bed every night. And all I hear is the same crap. And I don't care anymore. I'm completely emotionless about it. 12 miners dead...who cares. Alito being questioned...hope he dies, if not enjoy judging and such. And I do feel for these people most of the time. But it alls adds up eventually where you become desensitized to it. You can't be shocked anymore. And it really really sucks.
Topic 3:
I kinda promised myself I wold discuss personal matters on this thing. So I'll keep it short. My life is it total meltdown mode. And I'm barely staying afloat. I'm just really really scared. I'm wondering if this is the moment where I dare to be great or I completly fail and become what I hate the most. I guess I'll see.
Topic 4: One last thing
Entourage is my favorite show. Before that was The Simpsons, Seinfeld, MI-5, and now this. And I'm lucky to have found it. The character Erik Murphy is a lot like me. I can completly imagine being more like him as I grow older.
Next Post: Who knows...I have so many more ideas
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Greeks...and there phaton
The greeks believed that everything was fate. The gods constructed this life for you when you were born and that's the way it was. If they wanted you to get stabbed by a spear at the age of 14, that's what would happen, it was unavoidable. Now that were in America in 2006 (wow that's weird), we are in a society of confusion, of choices. Do I become a Psychologist or a teacher? Get married to one girl or think about another, keep a kid or have an abortion, or move to Arizona or stay here. All viable choices...and yet they plague us everyday. What do we do? Life's desiscions keep getting bigger as we grow older. First it was little choices, like should I go out with that girl even though I don't think she's right for me. Then we went to college and it was what college to go to if any. Now as we move on into the real world (some of us faster than others), we are faced with these completly life altering choices, that set the path for our lives thereafter. So what should we do? If we take the safe, comfortable choice we always think....WHAT IF?? A horrible way to live. But if we take that risk...and we regret it, it's hard to turn back. Also, a horrible way to live. I think what I may have left out one thing. In one of these choices, there's chance for something we all strive for...magic. This golden ring I speak of, is that feeling you get when the unexpected happens. This comes in many forms; love, compassion, inspiration, success, and more. And it's that chance for magic that makes us confused and seemingly stuck forever in an indisicive void. It's hell, but if you ask me...it's the only reason to live.
Next Post: maybe I'll get to Entourage....maybe I'll write more important stuff
Next Post: maybe I'll get to Entourage....maybe I'll write more important stuff
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Goodbye old friend, 2005...
Well, 2005 is finally over and what a ride it was. I had ups and downs throughout the year, in ways I never thought I could. A new relationship started, an old friendship ended, the White Sox won the World Series and old friends came back in a huge way. So here I am, almost 22 years old and thinking about how old I am and how I should be graduating. But I'm not. 2006 proves to be pretty crazy in itself already. And I'm excited for it. I guess that's all I really have to say.
Next Post: The Abyss..and a dash of Entourage
Next Post: The Abyss..and a dash of Entourage
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