I Survive by the Ghost of You

Grief is one of those unexplainable emotions. It has depicted on screen, written about in countless self help books, and the whole practice of Psychology and Psychiatry are based upon it. The terrible thing, the part that I never hear discussed is the up and down roller coaster of emotion it puts one through. On any given day, dealing with grief you can feel numb, devistated, angry, depressed, an empty happiness, or simply nothing. And despite anyone telling you that there are set stages of grief, the truth is they come at random and at times together. Anger and sadness often get grouped, numbness and an empty happiness, or any number of combinations. Sadness or depression alone is not enough to bring me to my knees, but this constant pain and emptiness in my heart is. I don't often talk about myself on this blog because to my readers, it isn't about me. I write to normalize what you might feel or to awaken something that you didn't know was inside you or at least to give you a different outlook on life. None the less, I find myself having to write something here. I recently lost someone, and although I should feel anger or betrayal towards this person. I ultimetly just feel sick, sad, lonely, and empty. I feel like this pain is never going to go away and that I will forever walk the earth feeling like this. And I keep hearing from everyone that it will go away and I keep making excuses as to why this person being out of my life is good. But the truth is, it's not going away and I don't feel good. I don't feel one ounce of good in my life. At all. I have heard all of the rationalities and the common sense arguements, but I can't stop it. I find myself, hanging on any way possible. I look over next to me at emptiness and just imagine them there. I have conversations in my head with them that never go anywhere and only loosely predict their thoughts or feelings. I imagine waking up and seeing them and smiling like I used to, only to snap out of it and see that nothing is really there and the conversation I dream of will never occur. I don't know why we were built this way, this grand design by God to put us through this. And it's hard to find a reason or any sense to it all. And of course, I look to the future and wonder if I could ever go through this again. I wonder if it is worth it all. Is all the happiness I felt worth this pain...and my only conclusion is that if it wasn't, I wouldn't be feeling this at all. But I still wonder if I'll ever be able to let myself go enough to be capable of feeling this way again. So far, the answer is no. And no matter what sensible, reasonable arguements I put forth, the answer will always be no. This can never happen again.

Confessions From the Owner of the Humpty-Dumpty Heart

In life some times, we put all of our eggs in one basket. Whether that be a spouse or reliving your life through your child's, or as simple as a relationship. But what happens when the bottom of the basket drops out? What if, that person and you just don't have what is "basket-worthy". What if they die? You are just sitting there, empty basket in hand and absolutly terrified of what comes next. See, what I've learned over the last month is that, there is no such thing as a break proof basket (to kill the metaphor entirelly). That is to say, that nothing in this world is certain. I have had my life completely turned around as of late and in turn I have become lost. And I've found that, without a proper view of life and a bit of self-actualiztion, it's a scary prospect. I have put my heart and soul into something that wasn't real. Because in the end, it became a jagged pain instead of a beacon of hope. And when the rug is pulled out from under you, you're mind goes a bit crazy. It seems to lose all sense of what is real and not, you lose all sense of what is good and bad. And when this happens, primal emotions come screaming out. Those being fear and anger. When someone functions on those alone, they lose the real person inside and become someone they hate. So, my question is... how do we come back? How do we find ourselves again and if we can, will it be the same person we left? We will be our own beacon of hope or will we succumb to the anger and hatred. We must fight this urge to become someone else, to latch onto the first thing with promise or to turn inward and close out other. Because, what we needed to do and should have done in the first place is put multiple eggs in that basket. We need to find a strength in others and in ourselves, brush it off and begin anew. We must build it better than before, knowing always that people will let us down. And we will be heartbroken, but this time we will not fear it but instead, expect it.